Dena Taylor’s Musings

MOM: I made you some cookies.

ME: Really? What kind?

MOM: They have granola and cranberries and they make ya poop!

ME: So, like poopkies?

MOM: Yeah! Poopkies!

Dead bro: Tell him I’m okay and there’s something he should know.

Melinda:  Your brother wants to tell you something.

Living bro: He’s here?!  I miss you, bro!

Dead bro: I miss you, too!

Melinda: He can’t hear you.

Dead bro: Oh. Tell him the reason I was at the lake house was to get grandpa’s suitcase. I had just found it in the attic when that rickety old floor gave way. I fell into the bathroom below, hit my head on the toilet seat and died instantly.

Melinda: He was in the attic of the lake house, digging through gramp’s musty old luggage when he fell through the floor, smashed his skull on the john and bit it.

Living bro: Geez, that’s awful. What did he want with the luggage?

Dead bro: Before grandpa died, he told me to find his suitcase. There was something in it he wanted us to have.

Melinda: Sounds like gramps was a hoarder.

Living bro: Huh?

Dead bro: That’s not what I said.

Melinda: Whatever. The old geezer stashed something in the suitcase.

Dead bro: It’s full of money.

Melinda: How much?

Dead bro: I don’t know.

Melinda: C’mon, misty. I don’t have all day. How much?!

Dead bro: Thousands, I think. Just tell him he needs to get it before they sell the house.

Melinda: What’s the address?

Living bro: Address? What’s he saying?

Melinda: Can you just shut it and leave the vapor rap to the experts?

Living bro: Sorry.

Dead bro: It’s the last house on old Route 22. But he knows that, lady! Just tell him to get it. And tell him he was a great brother and I loved him.

Melinda: Uhh, the suitcase was full of old photos. He’s pretty sure you’ve seen ‘em all.

Living bro: Ohhh. I won’t worry about it then.

Dead bro: What are you doing?! Tell him about the money!

Melinda: Can it, Casper.

Living bro: Who’s Casper?

Melinda: Um, your brother’s spirit guide guy. He’s crossing over now. He says he’ll catch ya later.

Dead bro: Oh my god! Stop! Tell him about the money! Tell him I love him!

Melinda: But he wants you to know that as annoying as you were all those years, he still loved you. And he slept with your girlfriend.

Living bro: He what?! That bastard!

Melinda: Exactly. He’s kind of a dick. The world is better off without him.

Dead bro: You bitch!

Melinda: He’s trying to apologize now. Anyway, I have a long drive ahead of me. Take care!

Dead bro: Noooooooo!

DAD:  I’ve decided to lose 10 lbs. Maybe 15.

ME:    How come?

DAD:  Chicks don’t like belly fat.

ME: I’ll have an Americano with room for cream, please.

COUNTERGAL (CG): Quarter inch, half inch or inch?

ME: Uh…half?

CG: Paper cup or ceramic mug?

ME: Ceramic.

CG: Any chance you have cash?

ME:  Sorry, debit.

CG: Figures. Want to wait for it or does one of us have to walk it over to you during our busiest time of the morning?

ME: No, no. I’ll wait.

CG: Want it served with a friendly smile or a backhanded compliment about how brave you are to wear a scarf the color of digested corn?

ME: Friendly smi-

CG: Are you going to share a table or hog one so that fewer people can sit down, forcing me to lose business and forego getting my kid’s cleft lip fixed?

ME: You know what? I’ve changed my mind. I want it to go.

CG: Want us to pour it from your ceramic cup into a paper cup or start all over, making all the people behind you risk being late for work and losing their jobs causing unemployment rates to climb to unprecedented heights?

ME: Nevermind.

Ever since you told your family how much you loved Happy Feet, you’ve received one penguin-motif gift after another. You resolve to:

a) Open an eBay account and cash in on their thoughtfulness.

b) Tell them how much you drooled over Eyes Wide Shut. 

Your performance review contains comments about how much you swear at work. You resolve to:

a) Cut back on the f-bombs. You don’t want to get written up.

b) Tell people to fuck themselves into a deep firey hellhole of doom only when you really mean it.

You feel like your brain is turning numb from watching so much TV. You resolve to:

a) Read some old classics like Hemingway and Mark Twain.

b) Read your neighbor’s mail.

Your front yard looks like an untamed jungle of grass, weed and unruly shrubbery. You resolve to:

a) Hire your nephew to mow it down.

b) Hire your nephew to show you the finer points of growing a hidden cash crop.

You’ve been having trouble sleeping. You resolve to:

a) Take a tip from Tiger and pop an Ambien.

b) Call your mother from bed and ask her about her day.

You find yourself thinking inappropriate thoughts about your handsome father-in-law. You resolve to:

a) Talk to a shrink about your daddy issues.

b) See where it might go. After all, he’s the one with the vacation home in Hawaii.

You haven’t been to confession in over 13 years. You resolve to:

a) Prepare a PowerPoint featuring the highlights of your wrongdoing, set to Chicago’s “Hard to say I’m sorry.”

b) Skip it. Your wife’s brother practically begged you to kiss him after that potluck on Groundhog’s Day. Besides, he might be the one hearing your confession and that would be awkward.