Meningococoa. (Marshmallows not included.)
Polio by Ralph Lauren.
Tetanus & Diphtheria. A little known Greek tragedy about a god called “bull neck” and his lockjawed lover.
Measles, Mumps & Rubella–Attorneys at Law.
HepiTitus A & B. The havoc wreaked when a Roman emperor doesn’t wash his hands. Twice.
Yellow Fever. The Musical.
Tie-dyephoid. Casual Friday at the CDC.
Malariott. Outdoor accommodations for the adventure traveler.
I’m going to Tanzania. Rural Kilimanjaro, to be exact. I’m volunteering with Cross Cultural Solutions, an organization offering increasingly popular “volunteer vacations.” You can find out more about them at www.crossculturalsolutions.org
The announcement of my trip has garnered a variety of responses. To some, I’m a saint; a moniker I’ve never considered for myself but to be honest, I kind of like. To others, I’m an adventurer traveling to a part of the world we have only ever seen in National Geographic. And others? Well, they just fear for my life.
“Boy, be glad you’re not an albino!” exclaimed my sister.
“Albino? What does that have to do with teaching English in Tanzania?” I replied.
“They have witchdoctors over there and they’re killing albinos all over the place and taking their body parts to make magic potions!”
“So blonds don’t have more fun after all, huh?”
“Not in Tanzania, they don’t.”
~
“Oh God no. Not Africa. Really?!” said another.
“Well, yes. They’ve created a home base facility just for the program and we’ll be caring for children and teaching English in the schools,” I explained.
“But you could get sick! You could get malaria!”
“I’m packing lots of bug spray…”
“In Africa? The mosquitoes are like the size of falcons. And they buzz around in swarms looking for victims and when they find you they’ll tear back your clothing and cut you with a pocket knife and then gush like a gallon of malaria juice into your wound! And then you’ll get super sick with malaria and you could totally die or have diarrhea for like a year!”
“…and maybe an extra can or two of the bug spray…”
~
“Africa? Shit. What the fuck you wanna go there for?” asked a relative.
“Because it’s an opportunity to learn about another culture, help others and maybe go on safari!” I countered.
“I wouldn’t go to that godforsaken country if you paid me. No fucking way.”
“Yep. That’s where I’m going.”
~
This, however, may be my favorite:
MOM: So, are you getting excited for your trip?
ME: I am! I’m getting vaccines and making my packing list and I have my Visa stamp.
MOM: Huh. Well. Too bad you’re not going to South Africa, it’s supposed to be really interesting.
ME: Yeah. I guess Tanzania will just have to do.
Blushing Whore
Out of the Closet Coral
Pill Chaser Pink
Loosey L’Orange
Ragin’ Tax Evasion
Pants Down Peach
That was her Boyfriend Berry
Slut Face Sinnamon
Get Laid Red
Insurance Fraud Fuscia
The Color of Adultery
Pothead Persimmon
Autumn Arson
Busted Hooker Honey
Insider Trading Tangerine
At a local Thai restaurant.
ME: What should we get?
MOM: Well we have to get the chicken satire!
ME: Satire? I think we get plenty of that at home, don’t you?
MOM: Very funny. What’s it called then?
ME: Sataaay, chicken satay. And what to drink?
MOM: How about the Tang-ho?
ME: Tang-ho? Do you mean the powdered fruit drink or the powdered, scantily-clad lady in back?
MOM: Huh?!
ME: I asked, “Did you mean the Singha?”
MOM: Yes. I’ll have one of those.
GUY: Excuse me, could I squeeze by you for a moment, I need the outlet.
GIRL: Oh, sure. No prob.
GUY: (staring)
GIRL: (working)
GUY: Excuse me, again but I don’t know you.
GIRL: No, I don’t think so.
GUY: I mean, I’ve never seen you before. Anywhere. Ever.
GIRL: Yeah. No.
GUY: Not on eHarmony. Not on Match. Not on Chemistry or in the paper.
GIRL: And not on Craigslist Casual Encounters either. (laughs)
GUY: Uh, well, I’d have to see you without your clothes on for that. But anyway, I don’t know anything about you! What are you like? What do you do? What do you think about?!
GIRL: Let’s see. I work. I cook. I travel. I hang out with friends. I walk the dog. I like to hike. I don’t know…I think about lots of things. Global warming, the actual fat content in low-fat chips…
GUY: But you don’t have it outlined anywhere? I mean, do you have a sandwich board or pamphlet or tattoo or something listing all your likes and dislikes and whether you like guys who are fit or spiritual vs. religious or under 5’8?
GIRL: No. I like all kinds of guys. And all kinds of things. I guess I just sort of carry that information around with me wherever I go.
GUY: But you know, you could put it online for less than $20 bucks a month and everyone could read about you.
GIRL: Maybe I don’t want everyone reading about me. If you want to know about me why don’t you just ask?
GUY: Well, no. You have to go online. I mean, I paid to get your information. You gotta put it online.
GIRL: Uh, no. I don’t.
GUY: But I paid good money to find out about you and you’re not on there! IT’S NOT FAIR!
GIRL: Um…
GUY: They said thousands of potential mates are waiting to meet me online and here you are, minding your own business, living your life, withholding your information. IT’S NOT RIGHT!
GIRL: Look freak. I don’t have to go on Match.com and post my information. I just met you - FOR FREE - anyway! And you know what? I think I’d actually pay to UNMEET you.
GUY: You can’t UNMEET people. It’s not a feature.
GIRL: But I can ask you to leave.
GUY: Yeah, fine. But if I ever see you on Match I’m SO not winking at you or anything.
GIRL: Awesome.
GUY: Whatever. Here’s my number if you wanna text.
