Dena Taylor’s Musings

To Buddy: OMG. So, last night. Crap…hang on. Client online.

To Client: Hi Don. Yes, I’m here. How can I help you?

To Buddy: I swear, this client is so annoying. Smelly and annoying. Anyway, I got pulled over last night! Shit, hang on.

To Client: The 18-month projections?

To Buddy: So this officer is real cute and I wasn’t looking too bad, tight tank, etc. Ugh! One sec…

To Client: Sure! I can run those number for you. Will end of day be okay?

To Client: Great! Talk to you this afternoon then.

To Client: Sorry, verbose windbag client! So, Officer Jack pulls me over, flirts shamelessly and asks to meet me later! Three hours later and its wham bam ankles to the wall. Best part though? He tore up my ticket! LOL!

To Client: And get this! He invited me to go w/his family on a party boat ride this weekend. Men are too easy but I’m going because he says it’s catered and I’m on a budget.

From Client: BTW, Jack is my stepson so I guess I’ll be seeing you on Sunday.

Suzy can’t see your message because she is offline. 

GROCERY CLERK GUY (GCG): How are you today?

ME: Doing well, thanks. How about you?

GCG: Oh, I’m alright.

ME: Good.

GCG: You believe me?

ME: Well, sure. Why wouldn’t I?

GCG: Foolish girl.

ME: Wow, okay. I guess the real question is whether it’s better to be a fool or a liar.

Hey, Cat Ba! (At least that’s what I think it means.) The largest island in Halong Bay, Cat Ba has a total area of 354 square kilometers (I’ve seen other estimates but you get the idea), about half of which makes up Cat Ba National Park. The island, park and surrounding area were recognized as a UNESCO Man and Biosphere Reserve in 2004. For more information on conservation efforts check out www.catbalangur.org

While I was only there for a week, I quickly fell into a routine. It went a little something like this: Wake up and pull out ear plugs to hear the boats in the bay scoot to and from Ben Beo Pier with motors rivaling the loudest of old school Harleys. Some are driven by parents dropping their kids off for school while others are coming from the many fishing villages in the bay to shop and run errands, and then there are the tour boats loading up passengers for tours of the bay, kayaking and rock climbing. We then make our filter coffee and join HK’s coworker/neighbors on the balcony for a morning chat. (Below: HK’s guest house and view)

After coffee, it’s time to head down the block for a delicious bowl of morning pho (usually with egg and goat but two eggs when no goat), fresh herbs, ginger and lime, or into town for a scrumptious mango pancake with honey and more Vietnamese coffee.

(Below, morning pho kitchen. No granite counter tops or Sur La Table gadgets necessary.)

If HK has to work, I would hit one of two Internet cafes and camp out for a few hours drinking more coffee or a club soda. Or I might drop off the laundry (pay by the kilo) or see if the lone ATM was working. If I wanted to spice things up I could get a storefront pedicure (literally on the steps in front of a shop) for $1 or get a chair massage and by chair massage I mean literally sitting in the chair at the cafe table where I was writing while the happy hands man who walks up and down the waterfront giving 20 minute massages for $2.50 did his thing. Having been tipped off that he was the real deal, I imbibed and was thoroughly pleased although I’m not sure he was when he was balancing my way larger frame on his back.

On the day HK wasn’t working we headed out toward the national park on her motorbike stopping in at Hospital Cave, which served the northern army’s wounded during the war. The cave has 17 chambers including a former kitchen and operating room. According to our guide the original electrical wiring is still in tact. One chamber had a small pool into which officials from the third floor could fall into as part of an escape route. I couldn’t imagine what it must have been like to live inside a cave with a war going on around me. Cat Ba was indeed targeted. We were charged about $1 for the tour. Seems like they could charge a lot more. (Below, Hospital Cave corridor and view from the exit.)

In the evenings we met up with friends to eat dinner at either the Bamboo or Green Mango and would close out the night with a rousing game of poker. 50,000d to get in.

Happy: How was your weekend?

Bitter: Fine. Ran errands, watched Bounty Hunter and finally cleaned the bathtub. How ’bout you?

H: Great! Me and Mr. Man saw Surrogates–soo good!–and I made him breakfast tacos the next morning. Really sweet.

B: Oh.

H: Something wrong?

B: No. I’m really happy for you and everything. I just wish I had someone, too.

H: You’re an awesome person. You’ll meet someone soon. I know it!

B: Sure. Until then, maybe you could chill it a little with the guy.

H: What do you mean?

B: You know. Maybe not see him so much until I meet someone. Then we can date people at the same time and and swap stories and stuff.

H: You can’t be serious.

B: Oh, I am. It’s not fair that I have to listen to you blather on and on about how great everything is all the time.

H: You want me to stop seeing my boyfriend because you feel left out?

B: Well, yeah. Especially since you’re way higher maintenance than I am. I totally don’t get why you have someone and I don’t.

H:  I’ve been single a really long time and I’m not going to apologize for finally having a boyfriend. And I’m not high maintenance.

B: But it’s not fair! You take way too long to get ready in the morning, you only like guys who make a certain amount of money and you refuse to give blow jobs! It’s ridiculous!

H: Hey–I have a serious gag reflex! I threw up once, remember? Totally ruined grandma’s tablecloth. Anyway, maybe you should try harder to meet someone. Get your teeth whitened. Buy something without a stretch waistband!

B: I get bloated!

H: Exactly.

B: I gotta go. I have a junk drawer to clean.

H: Yeah and I have a boyfriend to meet.

B:  Bitch.

DAD:  I’ve decided to lose 10 lbs. Maybe 15.

ME:    How come?

DAD:  Chicks don’t like belly fat.