Dena Taylor’s Musings

What differentiates us from the competition? Certainly not our people. We have the same insufferable, office-supply stealing, water-cooler jabbering, junior college drones the other guys do. But if they were any better, we’d have to increase their pay and the price of our products. Our staff’s incompetence allows us to pass greater savings onto our valued customers.

What sets us apart from the competition is that we actually encourage work-place dating.  Our competitive edge is directly related to our team’s full investment in mutual satisfaction at all performance levels. We put the “o” in teamwork and we satisfy our customers too.

A lot of companies say they’re different but look closely and you’ll see–they’re all saying the same thing. Here at Corruptco, we believe the occasional white lie or kickback may be just the boost our clients need to get out of the red and into a Lexus.  If words like “integrity,” “discipline” and “experience” mean anything to you, call somebody else.

Customers are always telling us they appreciate a customer-centric approach. But they won’t find it here. With fantasy football and a host of porn websites we simply don’t have time to put our clients’ needs ahead of our own.

• Sent from the battery-powered rabbit in my nightstand drawer.
• Sent from my ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend’s iPhone after I cold-cocked her in the Chili’s parking lot.
• Sent from some guy in Latvia who stole my identity.
• Sent from, like, my roommate’s computer? After a few jagers and some pot brownies?
• Sent from my butt.

What race do you identify with?

a) Iditarod. I like being on all fours.

b) 3-legged. If you win you get extra potato salad!

On April 1, 2010, how many people were passed out on your couch?

a) Two if you count the ferret.

b) Just one but he hasn’t been breathing. Should we call someone?

Do any of the people staying with you know who you are?

a) I’ll ask him, next time I’m in the cellar.

b) Yes but my psychiatrist says they aren’t real.

On April 1, 2010, how many times did you fling garbage into your neighbor’s recycling bin?

a) Zero! Garbage goes in the garbage can.

b) You saw that?

On April 1, 2010, how many times has the neighbor’s cat pooed in your planter?

a) Once and we threw it out, along with the planter.

b) None since we got into falconry.

Ever since you told your family how much you loved Happy Feet, you’ve received one penguin-motif gift after another. You resolve to:

a) Open an eBay account and cash in on their thoughtfulness.

b) Tell them how much you drooled over Eyes Wide Shut. 

Your performance review contains comments about how much you swear at work. You resolve to:

a) Cut back on the f-bombs. You don’t want to get written up.

b) Tell people to fuck themselves into a deep firey hellhole of doom only when you really mean it.

You feel like your brain is turning numb from watching so much TV. You resolve to:

a) Read some old classics like Hemingway and Mark Twain.

b) Read your neighbor’s mail.

Your front yard looks like an untamed jungle of grass, weed and unruly shrubbery. You resolve to:

a) Hire your nephew to mow it down.

b) Hire your nephew to show you the finer points of growing a hidden cash crop.

You’ve been having trouble sleeping. You resolve to:

a) Take a tip from Tiger and pop an Ambien.

b) Call your mother from bed and ask her about her day.

You find yourself thinking inappropriate thoughts about your handsome father-in-law. You resolve to:

a) Talk to a shrink about your daddy issues.

b) See where it might go. After all, he’s the one with the vacation home in Hawaii.

You haven’t been to confession in over 13 years. You resolve to:

a) Prepare a PowerPoint featuring the highlights of your wrongdoing, set to Chicago’s “Hard to say I’m sorry.”

b) Skip it. Your wife’s brother practically begged you to kiss him after that potluck on Groundhog’s Day. Besides, he might be the one hearing your confession and that would be awkward.

A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle

This book is about overcoming bitterness, self-absorption and other ego-related issues.  Totally thought of you!

Chocolate Brown Bath Towels

No one will see the stains on these!

Gold’s Gym Membership

Here’s to making 2010 the year you stop letting yourself go.

Just a little something to cover up that nasty cat pee smell. Cheers!

Gap Gift Card

Casual doesn’t mean slob, you know. Happy shopping!

Cookbook

You’re killing me. Seriously. Could you at least try?

Scarf

Pull tight enough and you’ll have one less Christmas present to buy!