FRIEND: So I’m in the Orlando airport bathroom. I’ve walked out of the stall and am starting to wash my hands when this woman turns to me and says, “Jesus loves you.” I wondered, “Do I have a pagan sign on my head or something?!”
ME: Wow. Your pee must smell like Satan.
Originally appeared on Yankee Pot Roast
Sorry for your loss. But maybe you’ll get some decent casseroles.
Our hearts are with you during this time, but rarely any other time.
Sorry you’re hurting. But it’s nothing compared to the Jager hangover I had last weekend. Now that was painful!
This is a difficult time. But then again, so is tax season.
Losing a loved one is difficult. Hating them makes it so much easier.
May warmest memories remain. Except for the ones where you fought
hellaciously and ended up with slashed tires and an STD.
I know you’re feeling sad. But try not to put on another 40 lbs.
Really, it’s for the best.
ME: Hey, it’s Willie Nelson’s birthday.
MOM: Oh, yeah, right. How come he doesn’t go to jail but Wesley Slipes does.