Blushing Whore
Out of the Closet Coral
Pill Chaser Pink
Loosey L’Orange
Ragin’ Tax Evasion
Pants Down Peach
That was her Boyfriend Berry
Slut Face Sinnamon
Get Laid Red
Insurance Fraud Fuscia
The Color of Adultery
Pothead Persimmon
Autumn Arson
Busted Hooker Honey
Insider Trading Tangerine
At a local Thai restaurant.
ME: What should we get?
MOM: Well we have to get the chicken satire!
ME: Satire? I think we get plenty of that at home, don’t you?
MOM: Very funny. What’s it called then?
ME: Sataaay, chicken satay. And what to drink?
MOM: How about the Tang-ho?
ME: Tang-ho? Do you mean the powdered fruit drink or the powdered, scantily-clad lady in back?
MOM: Huh?!
ME: I asked, “Did you mean the Singha?”
MOM: Yes. I’ll have one of those.
GUY: Excuse me, could I squeeze by you for a moment, I need the outlet.
GIRL: Oh, sure. No prob.
GUY: (staring)
GIRL: (working)
GUY: Excuse me, again but I don’t know you.
GIRL: No, I don’t think so.
GUY: I mean, I’ve never seen you before. Anywhere. Ever.
GIRL: Yeah. No.
GUY: Not on eHarmony. Not on Match. Not on Chemistry or in the paper.
GIRL: And not on Craigslist Casual Encounters either. (laughs)
GUY: Uh, well, I’d have to see you without your clothes on for that. But anyway, I don’t know anything about you! What are you like? What do you do? What do you think about?!
GIRL: Let’s see. I work. I cook. I travel. I hang out with friends. I walk the dog. I like to hike. I don’t know…I think about lots of things. Global warming, the actual fat content in low-fat chips…
GUY: But you don’t have it outlined anywhere? I mean, do you have a sandwich board or pamphlet or tattoo or something listing all your likes and dislikes and whether you like guys who are fit or spiritual vs. religious or under 5’8?
GIRL: No. I like all kinds of guys. And all kinds of things. I guess I just sort of carry that information around with me wherever I go.
GUY: But you know, you could put it online for less than $20 bucks a month and everyone could read about you.
GIRL: Maybe I don’t want everyone reading about me. If you want to know about me why don’t you just ask?
GUY: Well, no. You have to go online. I mean, I paid to get your information. You gotta put it online.
GIRL: Uh, no. I don’t.
GUY: But I paid good money to find out about you and you’re not on there! IT’S NOT FAIR!
GIRL: Um…
GUY: They said thousands of potential mates are waiting to meet me online and here you are, minding your own business, living your life, withholding your information. IT’S NOT RIGHT!
GIRL: Look freak. I don’t have to go on Match.com and post my information. I just met you - FOR FREE - anyway! And you know what? I think I’d actually pay to UNMEET you.
GUY: You can’t UNMEET people. It’s not a feature.
GIRL: But I can ask you to leave.
GUY: Yeah, fine. But if I ever see you on Match I’m SO not winking at you or anything.
GIRL: Awesome.
GUY: Whatever. Here’s my number if you wanna text.