Dena Taylor’s Musings

Boy-Man meets Lady-Girl. They flirt. They smile. Individually, they entertain inappropriate thoughts about acrobatic positions and butter.

Boy gets Girl’s number. She beams. She gushes. She blathers on in great detail to her friends about how cute he is. Even though he has a single wonky tooth.

Boy mentions his “totally hot chick” encounter to his brother who responds by punching him in the arm and calling him “dickface.”

That night, Girl fantasizes about Boy asking if he can kiss her. She gently falls asleep.

Boy does what he always does and conks out in the middle of it, mouth open.

The next day, Boy-Man wants to call Lady-Girl but fears she may have changed her mind. He flicks his tongue over his wonky tooth and consults www.askmen.com for advice.

Meanwhile, Girl douses the butterflies in her stomach with Diet Coke and Mentos. She repeatedly checks her phone while Googling “how long until he calls?” on her computer.

Boy learns that the best way to snag a girl is to be a “challenge.” He doesn’t call for a week.

Girl comes upon “The Rules” and learns if she doesn’t let Boy pursue her, she may end up rejected or ignored or living with her mother and her senior shi-tzu with the floating detached retina. She swaps the Mentos for a ciggy out of her roommate’s hidden stash.

Boy finally calls Girl but “The Rules” say she shouldn’t be too available, so she doesn’t answer.

Boy doesn’t leave a message because he read that he shouldn’t seem too eager.

Girl thinks Boy blew her off and is glad to know sooner than later.

Boy thinks Girl blew him off and feels good that he didn’t give in like a pansy. He considers orthodontia.

They forget about each other.

The End.

Coffee shop

Hey, I have to use the restroom. Would you mind watching my stuff for a sec?

Yes.

Thanks.

I mean, yes, I would mind.

I’ll just be a sec. If it’s not too much trouble.

Actually, I find it very troubling.

Seriously?

Yeah, but mainly, I just don’t wanna.

“Don’t wanna?”

Yeah, I don’t really feel like watching your stuff. I mean, watch it for what?
Are stained nylon book bags a hot commodity these days? Are you afraid someone’s going to swipe your free Bank of America pen? Or, do you really think some rogue plagiarist is going to run in here and steal your ideas for a Superbad quotes blog? No one wants that, man. Trust me.

Wow. You’re such an ass.

That may be the case, bro, but this ass has got better stuff to do than watch your personal belongings just sit there motionless. Bland. Beige.

For your information, I watched your stuff when you went out and smoked your nasty cancer stick.

You’re referring to this Walkman? This Members Only jacket? This dry, half-eaten bran muffin?

Yeah—kept an eye on it for ya. It’s what people do; cool people, anyway.

I’m not here to be cool. Just minding my own business. See ya at home.

Whatever, Dad.