Dena Taylor’s Musings

Mom’s been real snotty since she moved down South. It starts in the morning, saturates the afternoon and drips on down with the setting sun. Not a conversation goes by without a low blow, high sniffle or all-out ear-shattering sneeze brought on by the torrential storm that is her allergy-engulfed nasal passages.

Are you taking anything? I asked her one day.

Doooh, she said, as if she had Nerf footballs shoved up her nostrils.

Mom, seriously, you’ve got to take something.

Doooh, duthing seems duh wuk.

What exactly have you tried?

Wuhl, Benadwil jus mayes me seepy. An dat ding yo dister dave me didun work eader.

What ding?

Duh nose potty.

She was so close. She had the concept and many of the letters right, but the actual term escaped her (or was blown out of her head in a violent sneezing frenzy).

I first heard of the neti pot when my allergist, mistaking me for a four year old, asked what I did when I was dirty. Depends if I drink vodka or red wine, I thought, reminiscing on near-acrobatic displays of affection. You take a bath!, she said incredulously. Same goes for your nose: if it’s filled with allergens, you gotta wash ‘em out! Grateful that she put it into terms me and any neighborhood preschooler could understand, I went out and got a neti pot of my own. While it does offer a little relief, I mostly enjoy swishing the saline solution around my sinus tunnels and having it pour out the opposite nostril. It’s fascinating. But that’s just me.

A friend of mine who was getting over a cold referred to it as a naughty pot. I’m pretty sure he meant neti but in considering his frequent memory lapses and ravenous appetite for deep fried Twinkies and Cherry Coke, maybe he got his hands on some really good ganja. Note to self.

But nose potty was new. And inspiring. I imagined a plethora of colorfully named products hitting the shelves and attracting throngs of stuffy consumers. The Schnoz Bidet, Snout Flusher or Honker Loo would flush you back to your senses.  Sniff or get on the pot! The ads would say. Nose constipated? Try BoogerLax—the enema for your nose!

Maybe you need to be potty trained, I quipped, imagining my mother kneeling in front of the toilet, angling her nose to the inside rim and reaching for the handle.

Verwy funny, she replied, punctuating her misery with a resounding ah-choo!

Celebrity name that starts with letter N.

MOM:  Ned from the Jack Paar show!

SIS:  You mean Ned Beatty?

MOM:  Yes! Ned McMahon from the Jack Paar show!

SIS:  You mean Ed McMahon?

MOM:  Yes!

SIS: From the Johnny Carson show?

MOM: What did I say?

SIS: Not that.

MOM: Do I still get the point?

GYM-BOB    Excuse me. Were you just doing leg extensions?

GYM-RAT     Yeah. So what?

GYM-BOB    Well. You didn’t…um…you didn’t wipe it down.

GYM-RAT    Didn’t wipe what down? What you are talking about?

GYM-BOB    You sweat all over the seat. Then you left without wiping it down. And when I sat down it was all…all…wet with your sweaty goo. And the rules clearly state…

GYM-RAT    Look McScrawny. It’s a gym. People sweat. If you can’t handle a little sweat maybe you should go home and play croquet or something.

GYM-BOB    As I was saying, the rules are clearly posted on the wall next to the disinfectant spray bottles and freshly laundered towels, and they say to “please wipe down machines after use…”

GYM-RAT     Dude! Wipe it down yourself! What do I look like, a fucking maid?

GYM-BOB    No. You look like a big fat meathead with no manners!

MANAGER    Excuse me, is there a problem?

GYM-BOB    Yeah. This goon here is leaving his sweat all over the seats! I have very sensitive skin and am susceptible to rashes and hair follicle infections on my legs.

MANAGER    Wow. That’s really gross.

GYM-BOB    Tell me about it!

MANAGER    No. I mean your leg pimples.

GYM-RAT    Disgusting.

MANAGER    I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave.

GYM-BOB     Me?! You’re joking, right?!

MANAGER    Sweat is easily wiped away but unsightly leg pimples are distracting and potentially harmful to other guests. Please go. Now.

GYM-BOB    Fine. But you haven’t heard the last of me! I’ll see you in court!

GYM-RAT    Thanks, man.

MANAGER   Just go wipe up your sweat. You’re scaring off the chicks.