Dena Taylor’s Musings

A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle

This book is about overcoming bitterness, self-absorption and other ego-related issues.  Totally thought of you!

Chocolate Brown Bath Towels

No one will see the stains on these!

Gold’s Gym Membership

Here’s to making 2010 the year you stop letting yourself go.

Just a little something to cover up that nasty cat pee smell. Cheers!

Gap Gift Card

Casual doesn’t mean slob, you know. Happy shopping!

Cookbook

You’re killing me. Seriously. Could you at least try?

Scarf

Pull tight enough and you’ll have one less Christmas present to buy!

Welcome to at&t. I see you are calling from 123-456-7890. Is that correct? Please say Yes or No.

Yes.

Okay. Are you currently an at&t customer? Please say Yes or No.

Yes.

Okay. Now in a few words, state the purpose of your call. You can say things like Add at&t U-verse to my services, Buy a cell phone or Pay my bill.

Change listing.

I’m sorry. I didn’t catch that. You can say things like, Purchase a BLUETOOTH cordless telephone system for everyone in my family, Pimp my iPhone with police radar and access to the Playboy Mansion Funcam or Give at&t my social security number and have them sell it to third party marketers in Latvia.

Just change my listing!

I’m sorry. I thought you said, Purchase at&t’s U-verse for everyone within a 5 mile radius of my home. Is that correct?

Hell no!

I’m sorry. I couldn’t understand you. Please say, Yes, I want to purchase 60 U-verse bundles for my coworkers or No, I only want to purchase 18 U-verse packages and upgrade to 1 million text messages on my iPhone.

NO! NO! NO! I DO NOT WANT TO BUY ANYTHING!

I think you said, Ho Ho Ho, I want to purchase a 12-pak of BlackBerry smartphones for everyone in my social anxiety support group along with updating my cell phone service to include international space station roaming. Is that correct?

No! For fuck’s sake.

I’m sorry you’re having trouble. Let me transfer you to a customer service representative. You will be charged a no-hassle fee of $40, which will appear on next month’s bill for added convenience.

ME: The doctor says my appendix was gangrenous and ruptured.

DAD: That’s what you get for eating all that organic food.

Maybe he has a point. I’ve always been active and the majority of the time get my servings of fresh fruits and vegetables (buying organic only per Environmental Working Group guidelines), whole grains and all the other healthy crap you’re supposed to eat to avoid the doctor’s office. I even invested in a Breville Juicer–”the Cadillac of all juicers”–to get those effing nutrients in my system faster.  And yet, in a three year span, I’ve had breast cancer and most recently a ruptured appendix, which garnered responses from friends like, “Only you,” “What next?” and the popular “WTF?”

Maybe it’s time to take up smoking, embrace inertia and rediscover the nuances of hydrogenated vegetable oil. Instead of walking to pick up some odds and ends at Whole Foods Market, I think I’ll plant my ass in the car and take a tour of Austin’s fast food drive-thru’s. Bacon cheeseburgers and super nachos might hold the key to longevity. A whole Totino’s pizza (screw you Amy’s organic!) just before bed could be the foundation for my future centenarian status. And washing down potato chips and Devil Squares with Coke Classic during an all night World of Warcraft raid is sure to insulate me from infection and ward off disease. With the money I’ll save I can outfit myself for a less active life. I’ll buy a different Snuggie for every day of the week and a La-Z-Boy with built in cup holder!

I shared my bewilderment and new health regimen with one of my surgeons. “Don’t,” she said. “Because you’ll just end up back here getting lap band surgery and you don’t want that.”

She’s right. I’ll probably get right back to my healthy habits, it’s how I roll. But swapping an organic fruit smoothie for an occasional chocolate milkshake couldn’t hurt.