Dena Taylor’s Musings

COFFEE PAL DAVID: I’m on a diet. It’s a cleanse.

ME:  Oh I’ll do that with you. Do you want to do a two-day juice fast?

COFFEE PAL DAVID: You mean a diarrhea weekend?

MELINDA: She’s here. She says she’s okay.

LIVING BOYFRIEND: She’s here?! I’m so sorry for the way things ended. I will always love you!

DEAD GIRLFRIEND:  Tell him I love him, too.

M: True that.

LB: Huh?

DG: I said I love him, too. Please don’t paraphrase.

M: Whatever, vapors. She says ditto on the love, yo.

LB: Who’s vapors? Why is she talking this way?

DG: He needs to know something.

M: She has something to say. Spill it, spirit.

DG: He wasn’t my first. I was with someone else before him.

M: Nuh-uh! You randy minx!

LB: Who’s randy minx? Is he related to vapors?

M: Turns out your beloved bagged a few eclairs before your cannoli rolled up to the plate, if you know what I mean.

LB: But she’s allergic to pastry.

M: Mercy. Where’d you find this guy. You’re better off dead.

DG: You’re right. He should have totally got the cannoli analogy.

M: She said she dropped trow with a team of sweaty guys before she took advantage of you.

LB: I knew it! She knew way too much about cream of mushroom soup and dog leashes…

DG: It was only one guy. Are you deaf?

M: Are you still breathing?

DG: Just tell him that before the accident, I found out I had an STD. He needs to get checked.

M: She says she gave you a present.

LB: She did? I don’t remember getting it.

M: Do you remember getting off?

LB: Wha?

M: She gave you an STD, dweeb. A parting gift. You need to have your junk checked.

LB: Oh, great. Thanks for taking my first sexual experience and soiling it with your lies!

M: And six-legged parasites.

DG: Seriously. Could you be any more crude?

M: Could you be any more dead?

DG: I’ve had enough. I’m evaporating.

MOM: Did you see that new beer?

ME:  What new beer?

MOM: It only has 55 calories. Probably tastes like pee.

MOM: I made you some cookies.

ME: Really? What kind?

MOM: They have granola and cranberries and they make ya poop!

ME: So, like poopkies?

MOM: Yeah! Poopkies!